The best way out, is in

When it gets too much, turn inwards

This post is a little more personal than previous ones. I feel that by writing out is like getting it off my chest. I’m not asking for sympathy, it’s not a sob story. I’m trying to look into what’s causing the anxiety and heal.

I recently read something that said the best way out, is in. Meaning that if you think everything is against you, and you feel stuck, lost or trapped; turn inwards and ask yourself: what do I need?

Taking this on board, I thought I’d turn inwards and ask myself what I need; maybe in the process I can find out what Sheila wants or, hopefully, silence her.

If I think back over the past few months, and see at what point the anxiety reared its head, I would say it’s as far back as March. It all started when I was away for a few days with my partner to unwind, when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and instantly thought ‘God, I’m ugly. There is nothing nice about me’. When I thought this, I wasn’t focussing on any wrinkles I may have or any grey hairs starting to poke through (I have none yet!), I was looking at my body itself. I’ve never had body image issues before, the one thing I’ve ever thought was I don’t look like the girl next to me or no one will ever find me attractive, and that was it. It was a thought, one that I had years ago, and never dwelt on it. Thinking about it and reading it, I can already see that I’ve planted that seed of self-hate or comparison, so yeah, makes sense why I’m having these thoughts now. I have, however, always ALWAYS compared myself to other girls (as I imagine all girls have). Why isn’t my hair like hers? What about her bum? Or her legs? Never mind her clothes or how she is in front of others. It’s hard not to compare. When you have straight hair, you want curly hair. When you have small boobs, you want big ones, and on and on it goes. I don’t know if the way I view myself is completely related to bullying; I just genuinely don’t think I’m all that, and never have. And I’m not under selling myself or any of that either. I wasn’t the girl the guys (or girls for me) would talk to or joke with or flirt with, so maybe that added to my view of myself. That could be related to me being known as the weird kid, who knows? I’m waffling now! The point is, when I saw myself a few months ago, that’s where it started. So, I got some new clothes, started painting my nails, doing a little make up, and that’s seemed to have helped a little.

Maybe that’s why Shelia called bullshit when someone at work said I looked nice. I did retort and say, hey I look fine.

I’ve started some new tasks at work, which I thoroughly enjoy. As with anything thing new, you will be shit at it. Of course you will, you’ve not done it before. I’ve told myself that, doesn’t stop Sheila from freaking out when I ‘make a mistake’. I even had an argument in my head and told her to calm the fuck down. I wonder though, if that’s linked to little me being in front of the teacher and being afraid of fucking up. My rational brain knows I’ll fuck up, I’m aware of that. Sheila? Nope. Straight up panic, fail, fuck up, go home!

As well as that, my nan hasn’t been very well lately. Her blood pressure was sky high, and we really thought we were in trouble. It didn’t look good. The high blood pressure, the back and forth to the doctors lasted for over six weeks, it was scary and always on my mind.

Thankfully her blood pressure is under control, and she is doing a lot better and seems back to herself!

My nan is at that age where the end is coming. It sucks to admit it. I know it’s life and it’s how it goes, if I could keep her forever, I would. My nan means so much to me; she’s done so much for me and my mum since I can remember. Losing her is something I am dreading, and that’s probably on my mind too, her no longer being around. I focus on the good though; the time I have left with her, however long it is. When I talk to her once a week, I really listen and take it all in. When I see her I hold on to how she is in that moment; I know she is ok. I even started a nan memories diary type thing, so I can write down all of my fond memories of her to look back on.

My stepdad’s cancer is slowly creeping back. He’s been in remission for roughly four years; though we were relieved, we knew it would come back, it was just a case of when. As my mum says, it’s like standing on a train track, waiting for the train to hit. You just don’t know when it’ll be.

Although it’s on its way again, the doctors are monitoring him. They have even reduced his consultations to every six months instead of three. That’s good but the worry is still there. How bad is it now?

I think of my mum, how she’s been looking after my nan, and ensuring she’s still going. It must have been a hard and scary few weeks for her. I admire her strength. She kept going, she did what was needed to help my nan, and in a way, keep her with us a little longer.

So, writing all of this, what can I ask myself that I need?

I need to focus on now, the present moment. I need to remind myself that although scary times are coming, I can handle it when it comes.

The worry will be there; I’m human and love my family and ultimately, I don’t want the shit part to come. I know it’s out of my hands. I just have to take each day as it comes.

For my body image issues… it’s not as bad. I need to be kinder to myself; my body is doing what she needs to do to keep me going every day, and I love her for that, I do.

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